The cubical jungle breeds strange officemates...
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Friday, August 02, 2002
Look I already have to take care of her on the weekend...
and now yer telling me I may have to take her to school two days a week???
I feel for his daughter. No scathing satire of words today just pure pity. this poor girl is being drug into what can only be described as a brutal custody battle without any concern for the feelings or mental health of the daughter. Why do parents think it's OK to allow a child to be stuck in the middle of a battle between two adults who should leave anyone, especially the children, out of the war of words. this child didn't ask for this nor did she ask to be batted back and forth like a ping pong ball between two people who can't even be civil enough to get along or smart enough to realize that their own petty BS is doing more harm to their children then they could even possibly conceive. It truly is sad that two supposed adults can't work out their differences without having to pull a child into the mix as a bargaining chip. The divorce itself had to have been hard enough on the child and now having to play the mediator for two people that are acting more like children then the one they are fighting over has got to cause more mental strain than any 12 year old should ever have to endure. If I could I would collectively slap Pete and the Ex Mrs. Pete square in their pea heads. This is obviously not a battle about what's best for their daughter but a power struggle about who will come out on top. My only advice to Pete and his ex? Grow up you morons It's time to take some responsibility for your actions and leave your daughter alone. Whatever happened between you and your wife was just that, between you and your wife. Wake up putz and leave her alone.
10:43 AM
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
So how's your wife and my child?
The plot thickens!! It seems that my first report was not entirely accurate. Yes our beloved Pete is pregnant BUT (and here's where it gets good folks) The baby is not really his?!?!?!? Infidelity you ask? No my friends even better... SPERM BANK!!! See it turns out that I guess at some point during the last wife (3 or 4 I'm having a hard time keeping them straight) The then Mrs. Pete and he decided that he would get himself, as he put it, "snipped." Now as we all know due to the most recent court battles that marriage ended rather poorly and he was left as infertile as the Sahara. Now the new wife being the young philly that she is HAD to have a child and the newly streamlined Pete was unable to do more then shoot blanks with his "huntin' rifle of love" could not deny his blushing child bride the joy of having children and the thrill of suing him for child support later. So off they went to the ol' corner sperm bank to pick them up a little'n. Now I must admit I don't know the particulars of how this worked for themm or what exactly the screening process is but I guess they found some quality spooge and, baster in hand, commenced to impregnating Mrs Pete like basting a Thanksgiving turkey.
so where does this leave us and more importantly where does it leave the child? We now truly get to see the outcome of the age old nurture vs. nature argument. Can this child stand a chance at normal human evolution? Will his genes be strong enough to fight off the silliness that permeates Pete's life or will he be stuck with some kind of moronic nickname working as slave labor for the next mother-in-law? Only time and Darwin know for sure...
12:50 PM
I've been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding
Pete is going to be a proud Papa... again.
It seems that the new Mrs. Pete is at that special time in a womans life when the old biological clock starts ticking and the only way to satisfy is with a baby. Awwwwwwwwww. Now lets look at the big picture here. Pete is 52 his new wife is 32. They have just found out that she is pregnant so we have a good 7-8 months before the spawn of Pete graces us with its presence. So lets look at Pete first: Pete will be 58 when the kid starts kindergarten. When the kid graduates high school (provided this happens and given Goobers track record that is certainly up for debate) Pete will be 70. If the child goes to college and say, goes for a masters degree, Pete will be pushing 80. Now... I will admit that when and iff then new offspring gets married and has kids of its own it will be nice because not only will they be changing diapers on the baby but they'll get to do it for Pete as well. Maybe they can get some kind of volume discount from Pampers or something. I can just see it now "Honey, the baby needs changing oh and can you check your father too?"
That's a lot of strained peas folks...
9:12 AM
Monday, July 29, 2002
I've been added to the Pete Friends and Family Junk Mail list!!!
Here are few things Pete has sent me over the weeks.
Email 1:
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People"
2. Transvestite: a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well it really chilled our mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large
trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed... My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he
didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a
list of the people I wanna bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Email 2:
COJONES
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. "They are the delicacy of our country."
The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, sir," said the waiter, "You see, the bull, he does not always lose."
Email 3:
The Five Questions Most Feared By Men
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the
following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and an airplane") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh shit.
Email 4: And believe me this is the icing on the cake...
AND HE SENDS THESE TO ME AT WORK ON THE WORK ACCOUNT!?!?!?!?!?
4:10 PM
From Catfish to Cousin Juanita
Big weekend for Pete! Yessiree BOB! Seems our boy Pete packed goober and the wife and headed off to the quiet hunting chalet in the woods (which I have seen pictures of and the "chalet" is an old trailer with a wood porch nailed to it). They decided to "Jug Fish" for those of you not from the south (or at least not familiar with fishing jargon, I wasn't) "Jug Fishing" is the act of taking plastic milk or other jugs and making them airtight and tying strings with bait and hooks on them and tossing them out into a lake to catch fish while you go home and get tanked up on Silver Bullet. Now, being a northern city boy, I may be completely off base here but how is that fishing? You can throw hundreds of these things out into the lake disappear for hours then return to pull up dying fish that you didn't even have to fight for?? This is a sport? Surely not. To my surprise I found sites on it... www.bubbajug.com takes all kinds I guess. But anywhoo... It seems "he and goober caught themselves a big ol fie (I could have sworn there was a v in there somewhere) ponder cat." That they "et up" that night for dinner... nuff said.
Cousin Juanita died... Sorry to hear it but she'll be glad to know that her memory lives on in every call Pete makes today. Cousin Juanita was in her late 80's yet the hospital must surely be at fault somewhere. You don't get to be 89 years old to go and die of something as silly as old age it MUST be neglect. The Pete family laughs at OLD AGE BWAAA HAAA HAAA! The only way they die is a hospital has to kill them. My question though has always been, as every member of Pete's family that has died in a hospital, always went in "Health as an ox" and yet were always dead a few days or weeks later. Now if they were truly "Healthy as an Ox" Why the HELL were they in the hospital to begin with... Makes ya think...
3:24 PM
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